Still more story to tell.

My post from about 7 months ago stated that it was my last, but clearly God had different plans. Last summer I couldn’t have imagined the ways He would push me, comfort me, give me new outlets for expression, and use my family’s story to help others. If you are discovering this blog for the first time, “Welcome!” If you want to know more of my backstory, there are a couple of places to start. Our Caring Bridge site at https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeffstroud and a short video at https://youtu.be/Z37Vekv5TOQ will do a fair job of getting you up to speed and I am always willing to share any personal information with anyone that asks. I’ve had the honor to build face to face relationships with several amazing women who also lost their husbands in the past two years and hope that my online words have helped and/or comforted others, as well.

This blog has been about my journey through my husband’s 17 month fight with Glioblastoma Grade IV and life after losing him on September 19, 2015. Since more time has passed, I feel more comfortable sharing information and experiences that were too painful before now. God has also given me confidence and freedom to express myself that was not present in many of my previous posts. I’m pretty much all out there–not because I chose it, but because I can’t remain silent about such significant change, growth, and hope when I’ve realized how much it can help others. God carried me through the most difficult time in my life. Not that it isn’t still a challenge, but I am now on the other side of intense pain and despair that often was unbearable apart from God’s comfort and protection.

Last night was a real milestone for me as I shared the screen with my sweet friend, Cindy, in my first Facebook Live artist talk. I’ve been an artist for many years, but would have never anticipated having one of my paintings chosen as an album cover. You can hear a 16 minute summary of how it happened here: Facebook Live “Jenna”

It is an amazing feeling to see my “Jenna” on the cover of a CD and know that the meaning behind this little hummer completely supports and symbolizes the message of the “Love Manifested” selections. The fact that our daughter is singing on the album makes it even more amazing. It is at moments like this when I wish I could see Jeff’s expression or hear his thoughts. In the two and a half years without him, there have been so many significant events that he couldn’t be present for. We keep his memory alive and absolutely love it when his name comes up in a conversation or something reminds us of him. I’ll share some stories about the cardinals appearances in a post to come–pretty amazing stuff.

I hope this introduces new friends to our “Beauty for Ashes” story and re-connects us with the friends and family that have supported us over the past three and a half+ years. God is continuing to do amazing things in my life and I hope you will be encouraged by the way He has helped me find my new place in life and an inner strength I never knew I had. It’s certainly a daily process where I take one step forward and two steps back (tripping over my dogs as I go). I struggled so much to figure out what my new normal is and have recently realized that I just need to trust God to lead me each day. I never could have planned the “Jenna” project–too many pieces of a puzzle fitting together. It is obvious to me that the Lord who loves me orchestrated the entire thing to give me a new purpose and encourage the talent He gave me for His glory. I’m up for that challenge any day because my trial by fire taught me to trust Him wholeheartedly and His track record is flawless. Hope you’ll join me on this new journey to see what’s next. Thank you all for your love and support!IMG_0275

Last post

 

This is my last blog post because I don’t feel that God has anything left for me to share through written words for now–I’ve been called to connect to real people in a real way every day. As an introvert, writing a blog was a great opportunity to speak my peace without any confrontation and little interactions. I wish I had a penny for every person who told me that they knew exactly how I felt because they had been through divorce or the lost of a parent…. this is my last blog entry because I realize that God just wants me to live now. I understand that people want to feel connected or to try and empathize with you, but nothing comes close to losing the person you shared more than twenty years of your life with. I have had the opportunity to create a new life and I am walking this life one day at a time. Friends and family that continued to love me and our kids, please keep keepin’ on and know how very much we love you!

When Jeff was sick and soon after we lost him, people shared their feelings. But, most everyone has moved on. At first, this made me a little angry but I realize now that God wants all of us to move on–we cannot live in the past; however, for those of us that worry about our lifetime partner being forgotten, this is a challenge. I’ve read quite a few widow books and have repeatedly sought comfort from others, but it hasn’t helped. Once Jeff’s friends began pretending they didn’t know who I was at church, I had to make some difficult choices. Because God knows what I needed and, whether or not we realize it, He gives us a new hope–my church opened a new campus and I went there. Still, life didn’t stop and notice me. One of our pastors shared a message about going first this Sunday and this coincided with me hearing God tell me to step beyond my comfort zone and make friends. Our new campus began a weekly women’s group and I am meeting the sweetest friends and also solidifying precious friendships that never faded. We must release our offenses and step out into the new path God has for us–I don’t really know anyone who has been through what the kids and I have been through, except for the Friend family, and there is no map. We continue to seek seek Godly counsel because there are so many extremely difficult feelings/images/memories to process, but we also continue to delight in the knowledge that Jeff is with the One who loves him most and Jesus has never left our sides.

The people that still care about me and my kids are the people that cared about us before he died. And even those people go on with their lives. Who am I left with? My sweet Mom, my amazing kids, and some precious friends and family that never stopped loving us. And, He loves us so much that He gives us precious new friends to delight in–ask me about our new Karaoke obsession and the joyful times I’ve spent with Austin and Shelby’s friends and our wonderful travels in the past year and a half!

The rest of my life depends on my willingness to surrender to Jesus and become less of me so He becomes greater. I think writing a blog was a preparation for real life where I believe God wants me to talk to real people who can talk back to me and ask me for help and I can ask for help from them. Working on the tattoo I have planned for tomorrow, I’m leaning toward a line from Hillsong United’s “Oceans,” but I haven’t decided which one. God called me out on the waters where my feet certainly failed, but He never let me go and every time I called on His name He showed up. He still does, but I don’t believe I’m meant to hide behind the written word any longer. Lord, make me brave and give me Your strength to stretch my heart to real people that need you. Thank you for your love and support. I’m good because I have Him.

Love people whether or not you understand them.

I didn’t expect strangers to know that I’ve been through the most intense year of my life and am making choices that say, “Life is short. Quit waiting to do things you’ve always wanted to do and enjoy your life,” but I did hope for more.

I have had some really eye-opening experiences in the past few months and I forgive every sweet soul that has rushed to judgment because they didn’t know any better.

Social experiment: dye your hair purple and express yourself with tattoos in a very conservative community. Result: literally, adults gawking in every setting except one which I will address in a minute. One woman took pictures of me at DSW yesterday without as much as an acknowledgment of my eye contact and smile. Standing in line to vote last month: (I have always been the person other people talked to and asked questions–is a pumpkin a vegetable or a fruit? for example) yet, not one question or comment in a 30 minute wait for the first time in many years of standing in line next to other humans.

The exception: people that know and love me, my students, colleagues, neighbors, and my children. I love you all and pray that you will continue to extend grace to others in the measure it has been granted to you.

We do not see things clearly on this earth, which is all the more reason not to evaluate anyone on the basis of their appearance or outward choices that you may not have any basis to understand. We see through a glass darkly, so just love people. Just love people.

What do you leave behind?

When I lost Jeff a year ago, I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that he was gone. I have his clothes, his name, his children, but he is gone. We lost another good man today, Mike Friend. As much as I am sure that they are both in heaven together, I also understand that when they are gone, they are gone. No one else knows the things they know or shares the same memories. Because they stood firm for their belief in Jesus, I believe I will see them again.

What am I doing today that will have an eternal impact?  The only legacy we leave behind is how we pour ourselves in to others, how we love them, how we give ourselves to them. Both of these men will forever be in our memories because of what they gave to us here. We love the Friend’s and are eternally tied to them–they are the kind of people you would choose to spend forever with.

When someone leaves us, they take all of their memories, knowledge, and shared experiences with them. You turn to nod or share an expression when something happens,  but they’re not there anymore.

Today was a really hard day. I’m not sure how to process all of this in one week, but here goes: my husband died on Sept. 19, 2015. My precious Sophie died on Sept. 19, 2014. Jeff had a dirt bike accident breaking his leg on Sept. 25, 2011. We spent wonderful time with the Friend family on Sept. 26, 2014 and Mike went to be with Jesus today, Sept. 26, 2016. Within one week, so many huge events. Perhaps it is coincidence, but it also may be God trying to get my attention. “Hello, I’m in control here. Just give your life up to me. I’ve got your back.”  I don’t understand the past seven days, especially when I try to factor in Sept. 19-26 over the past few years. All I know is that it’s bigger than me and I’m so thankful that God will continue to reveal Himself to me and will love me whether or not I have the capacity to understand.

How is it that we stood with the Friend family on Sept. 26, 2014 as Salina proclaimed her firm belief in God’s power to heal her husband, yet we lost him exactly two years later? I can only stand firm on 1 Peter 5:10–God chose not to restore them here, but I’m so sure they are both fully healed and restored today in heaven. Thank you, Jesus.

What does it mean? 

Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

In the Old Testament there are many examples of God’s amazing providence, love, miraculous power, and protection. Often when a particular event or battle or breakthrough occurred due to the Lord’s action, the people who recognized the source of the power erected a marker stone so they would never forget what God did. I will never forget all of the ways God brought me through each day of the last two years, but I wanted to make sure I had a visible reminder so I would never miss the opportunity to give Him credit.

The four birds represent the day I understood that God would take care of us in every way. After He walked beside me as we lost Jeff, I was met with obligations and decisions that I was not prepared to undertake. In the most minute detail HE provided. I can’t begin to list the hundreds of things I had to figure out, but it is an understatement to say I was not prepared and feared that I could not take care of our family. God was and always will be faithful and continues to show me that His provision is just an outward representation of His love for us. After a year has passed, I am proud to show every person I see just how big God is and how much He loves us: my tattoos make sure I can never forget and will never be intimidated or embarrassed to share my story. Each one beautifully represents a revelation, promise, or hope that God gave to me. People ask me about them everywhere I go. They are my marker stones and they keep me honest. 

It is well…

When you hear the story of Horatio Spafford, it breaks your heart. If you think about how the loss of his children led him to write the song, “It is Well With My Soul,”  it can make you either question or confirm your own faith. I’ve been struggling with what I felt was a call to write this blog. Not sure if fear or rebellion or just uncertainty contributed to my reluctance to respond to God’s push, but here I am. Let me share the words of the song before I get started sharing some things I haven’t known how to share until now:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, (it is well),

With my soul, (with my soul)

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;

Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

A song in the night, oh my soul! 

As I’ve been going through counseling the last few weeks, I’ve expressed a frustration that I haven’t been able to paint or write or create. I am so certain that God wants to share important stuff through me that I have really been careful to put my own thoughts aside and wait for what He wants to share. An empty easel stood in the room I cleared out just to make space to paint and read all summer. I had big hopes of spending time in God’s word and creating something to glorify Him, but I realize that these were my big plans and not His. This summer I spent time with my amazing children and re-purposed our home and yard in ways that meet my needs. Twenty-three years with a person created a life and world that no longer fit me. This year,  I have learned to literally put one foot in front of another with the courage to wake up each morning and face a new day. Yay, me! 

When Spafford writes that it is well with his soul after losing his treasured children, what do you think he means? Today I got it. In total honesty I thought this was something I was supposed to strive for, but I didn’t understand it until today. You know when someone does something to hurt your feelings or overlooks your needs and apologizes? We often say, “It’s okay.” It’s not okay that my husband was taken away from me. It doesn’t mean that I will go on like it never happened. I’m not angry with God. Being able to say to God, “it is well with my soul,” means that I trust Him and His plan so much more than my own understanding. It means that I  submit to His wisdom and believe that He only has the best in store for me.

I lost everything that held our life together and I still believe Jeremiah 29:11–He has plans to prosper and not to harm me. It is well with my soul means that I trust God’s plan more than my own. It means that I’m willing to subject my own preferences, goals, and future to His all-knowing power and supreme love for me and my family. I can’t even began to express how I miss Jeff every day, but I also can’t help but share how much our Lord loves me enough to knit the details of my life together in a way that I can overcome anything with Him. He is making all things new, but is also healing me and leading me into new territory. 

So, it’s not okay that Jeff is gone; but, it is well with my soul that my Lord Jesus is here and ever-present more than I experienced before. God says that he is making all things new. I’m living this every day. Some mornings it is still a struggle to get out of bed and face the world, but I believe that there is a purpose and plan in place and I will open myself up again to be used for His glory. This world I just a rest stop for eternity, but I think we’re supposed to share our lunch with whomever is waiting on the bench next to us. 

It is well with my soul because it’s not up to me. In the same way forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily absolve them from what they did, accepting that God makes decisions that we will not comprehend until we are with Him in heaven announces that we accept who is boss and are willing to accept His plan whether or not we would choose our current circumstance. I surrender to you, Lord and want your will to be done in my life. Crazy that I’ve thought I knew best so many times. Please give me an open heart that loves and is not afraid to lose again. Please bathe my family in your love and draw us closer to you each day. Thank you for my children, family, and friends that surround me and show me how much you love me each day.  I will thank you in all things, even when it’s hard. You are my Savior and I trust you to lead my life. It is well. 

Looking back

This week I read 294 printed pages of Caring Bridge posts (https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeffstroud) and comments from May 2014 through March 2016 to help me find a starting point for this blog. The outpouring of love, encouragement, and hope from friends and family is still amazing to try and absorb and I’m so thankful to have the chronology of events, photos, and God’s word all in one place because it’s too overwhelming to piece it all together in my own mind.

The first few entries report facts about Jeff’s condition and thank all of the angels God sent to help us, but something interesting happens in later posts. It’s not that God hadn’t done anything amazing before, it’s just that as I grew closer and closer to Him, He gave me words to share and the understanding that I was supposed to use this journey to honor Him. Each day something unexpected, challenging, or inconceivable happened and I turned to God for help. Many days I took the dogs on long walks and cried out, “Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus.” over and over; I remained on my feet only because the Lord was holding me up.

Call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.  Psalm 50:15

This blog will be my words, my heart, and the revelation from God that He leads me to share with you. I can’t explain this all in one introductory post, but it’s big stuff (and some little stuff, too). Until the end when Jeff could no longer read or comprehend what I wrote, I asked him to approve each entry before I submitted it. He asked me to change things on two occasions: One time I said “CRAP!  CRAP! CRAP!” and another when I said I wanted to kill him because he was making me crazy. No editor here except the Holy Spirit and I am trusting that His filters will allow the level of honesty and transparency I desire combined with a message that I pray will always point to Jesus.

I will be working on this site and praying about what God wants me to share over the next few days. There’s no specific plan or schedule, but I would love for you to join me on this new adventure.

Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5