This is my last blog post because I don’t feel that God has anything left for me to share through written words for now–I’ve been called to connect to real people in a real way every day. As an introvert, writing a blog was a great opportunity to speak my peace without any confrontation and little interactions. I wish I had a penny for every person who told me that they knew exactly how I felt because they had been through divorce or the lost of a parent…. this is my last blog entry because I realize that God just wants me to live now. I understand that people want to feel connected or to try and empathize with you, but nothing comes close to losing the person you shared more than twenty years of your life with. I have had the opportunity to create a new life and I am walking this life one day at a time. Friends and family that continued to love me and our kids, please keep keepin’ on and know how very much we love you!
When Jeff was sick and soon after we lost him, people shared their feelings. But, most everyone has moved on. At first, this made me a little angry but I realize now that God wants all of us to move on–we cannot live in the past; however, for those of us that worry about our lifetime partner being forgotten, this is a challenge. I’ve read quite a few widow books and have repeatedly sought comfort from others, but it hasn’t helped. Once Jeff’s friends began pretending they didn’t know who I was at church, I had to make some difficult choices. Because God knows what I needed and, whether or not we realize it, He gives us a new hope–my church opened a new campus and I went there. Still, life didn’t stop and notice me. One of our pastors shared a message about going first this Sunday and this coincided with me hearing God tell me to step beyond my comfort zone and make friends. Our new campus began a weekly women’s group and I am meeting the sweetest friends and also solidifying precious friendships that never faded. We must release our offenses and step out into the new path God has for us–I don’t really know anyone who has been through what the kids and I have been through, except for the Friend family, and there is no map. We continue to seek seek Godly counsel because there are so many extremely difficult feelings/images/memories to process, but we also continue to delight in the knowledge that Jeff is with the One who loves him most and Jesus has never left our sides.
The people that still care about me and my kids are the people that cared about us before he died. And even those people go on with their lives. Who am I left with? My sweet Mom, my amazing kids, and some precious friends and family that never stopped loving us. And, He loves us so much that He gives us precious new friends to delight in–ask me about our new Karaoke obsession and the joyful times I’ve spent with Austin and Shelby’s friends and our wonderful travels in the past year and a half!
The rest of my life depends on my willingness to surrender to Jesus and become less of me so He becomes greater. I think writing a blog was a preparation for real life where I believe God wants me to talk to real people who can talk back to me and ask me for help and I can ask for help from them. Working on the tattoo I have planned for tomorrow, I’m leaning toward a line from Hillsong United’s “Oceans,” but I haven’t decided which one. God called me out on the waters where my feet certainly failed, but He never let me go and every time I called on His name He showed up. He still does, but I don’t believe I’m meant to hide behind the written word any longer. Lord, make me brave and give me Your strength to stretch my heart to real people that need you. Thank you for your love and support. I’m good because I have Him.